Thankful

So it is nearing Thanksgiving. And it is indeed a time to be thankful. So, I will make a list, because one can never have enough lists.

1. I am thankful for a wonderful husband who takes care of me.

2. Niquil because it helps me sleep when I cannot breath.

3. Friends who make me smile, and keep me going

4. Eternal families

5. Hope, because sometimes that is all that keeps me from going insane.

6. Love, because life would not be the same without it.

7. Nanowrimo, because even though I am 5,000 words behind, it still gives me something to look forward to every year.

8. Work, because it is hard to find something that you love to do, that works around your school schedule. 

9. School, I love to learn, and school affords such a wonderful opportunity.

10. Family, especially my mother, who is always there for me.

11. Fiction, because it makes life so much more entertaining.

12. Holidays, because they bring families together

13. Libraries, because of free books! even if you do have to give them back

14. Pray, because pray is truly answered, and it makes life easier to get through, it makes my attitude better.

15. Computers and internet. Because instant communication with some one other than God is also amazing!

Mermaid or Whale?

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

I am a breakfast quiche, what are you?

So, I haven't written in a long, long time. But today I needed to share something amazing. I am not an Omelet, I am a breakfast quiche! I have tried so hard all of my life to be an omelet, to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. I am not that person. I am not an omelet...not that everyone wanted me to be, but it was what I perceived. I like to project my fears and ideas onto other people, and then I use it to control myself.
But today I decided that I want to be a breakfast quiche. Why, you may ask. Because I have always been one, and it is time to show it off. I am going to discover me.
I decided that I like feeling feminine, but I don't feel feminine dressed like my sisters, I feel like I am playing dress up. But I felt feminine in my choir dress that had a corset top, and my prom dress, which also had a corset top. I feel like a girl when I wear heels, and boots. I like wearing make-up--sometimes, but not always.
I am allowed to like corsets and lace up jeans, or floor length dresses. I am going to allow myself to be me. I can't change who I am, but I can learn to love who I am. Why? Because I am an amazing person! I can be funny, and ridiculous. I like vampires! And Fantasy worlds. I love LDS romance novels. I love to write silly romances. I love belly dancing, and Zumba. I love to sing--loudly! I love my friends and my sisters but I am not them, and I don't have to be. I am allowed to be whatever I want to be. And that is WONDERFUL!!!

The Last

On Wednesday August 10 my Great Uncle David died. He had a stroke a few weeks ago, and then a heart attack on Tuesday. They gave him 24 four left to live. He didn't last even that long. He was the last of my childhood hugging buddies. Him and his brother Russel. He was a great man. And I loved him dearly. To Uncle David.

Maybe we all need a little crow!

ABOUT CROWS
by John Ciardi

The old crow is getting slow;
the young crow is not.
Of what the young crow does not know,
the old crow knows a lot.

At knowing things, the old crow is still
the young crow’s master.
What does the old crow not know?
How to go faster.

The young crow flies above, below, and rings
around the slow old crow.
What does the fast young crow not know?
WHERE TO GO.

Dear Dad

Dear Daddy,
Father's Day is this Sunday, it is a day that I have dreaded since 2009, I wonder why. It is a day to celebrate the fathers of the world and it breaks my heart every year. Every year they sing the song "O, My Father" in sacrament meeting. I do wish they would choose another, I always end in tears.
Father's Day is difficult as well because I still don't know where I stand with you. I don't know how I feel about you, bout your leaving, and aboutnyour actions while you were here. For the past two years I have been trying to decide where we were in our relationship. Your crabby teenage daughter, who fought so well with her cranky middle aged father. I know that it is common for parents and children to fight, especially when it comes to parents and teenagers. But I truly wish that I had spent more time listening and less time yelling and being sarcastic. I have spent two years being angry because you died just when I had decided I might want to get to known you better. It truly angered me. I know that you had no real control over when you died, but you did and it felt like a betrayal. And instead of coping witht the loss I have denied it and avoided it. (I even tried to go to a counselor once, but she wanted to put me on meds before she even knew what the problem was. And that bothered me, so I haven't gone back.)
So I guess that is is my way of getting things off of my chest. I don't know that either one of us needs to apologize, but I need to forgive. I have spent the last 2+ years trying to figure out how. It is hard to forgive someone that you don't feel you have a of gaining closure with. I even forgave Josh without talking to him first. And I think eventually he even forgave me. I just don't know how to forgive you.
I felt like your scapegoat for 18 years. If ever anything happened it was my fault, usually because I was the loudest. I felt like you spoiled Lindsay and punished me. We couldn't even sit next to each other in church without it breaking into a fight. I remember the day that I found mom in the kitchen because you yelled at me, I tried to make her feel better by telling her that I hadn't even noticed that you had raised your voice because you always talked to me that way...it didn't make her feel better. I can't even put into words how badly our encounters hurt me through the years. And now I just want to find a way to let it go, move on, and forgive. However, that is easier said than done.
I also need to apologize for the lack of respect that I showed you. I never tried to respect you, I took on only too willingly the mantle of obnoxious daughter. I am sorry that I didn't put in a greater effort to get to know you on your grounds, and I wish that you had tried to get to know me better on my mine. I always felt condemned because I liked to write and not do math. I felt that you weren't proud of me because I wasn't smart enough. And it hurt, it still does. There are years of hurt and pain to over come and I don't even have you here to talk to. I am at an end of ideas. I don't know how to forgive. And all I feel is this overwhelming hurt, my heart is broken. I even read your journal once to find out what you thought on the day I was born. I got a sentence, and then it was on to what happened the rest of the day. I never felt important in your eyes so I tried my darndest to just be noticed. All I wanted was for you to see me, and I don't feel like you ever did...
I guess I don't really have much else to say. Gramms wants me to write your history, and I am terrified that I will taint it with my "dark glasses". I wish I had known you better.
Lex

Life and plot lines

So my birthday is coming up, and I got most of my birthday presents months ago. I can't believe I am going to be 21. I finally get a sideways drivers license! Exciting, I know. I say most of my presents because I caught Steven with his debit card out the other day. It sparked my curiosity, but he wouldn't tell me what he bought. And he kept avoiding, he even changed passwords on the bank account so that I couldn't see what he bought. I, being who I am, took that as a challenge. And to make a long story short, I connived and sneaked, and I am getting an i-pad for my birthday!!!! For my birthday, one of my wonderful friends (Jennie) planned a movie night, at the drive-in. There is something so fun about sitting outside and watching super-sized movies. X-men First Class is a good movie, by the way, lots of explosions and violence. Not sure why that appeals to me. Steven and I skipped the second movie Fast 5 doesn't appeal to me to greatly. And I have been able to watch Jane Eyre, I love it!!!! There is joy in cheesy romances. I went to the library and got books (what else do you get at the library) and I have filled my mind with more cheesy romances. My mind is swirling with plot lines, and Timelords (I have been watching a lot Doctor Who lately). But oh, what a wonderful weekend. I feel good, and happy, it has been a while since I felt so good...

Lee

The other day I bonded with my brother over Doctor Who. Not something I ever thought would happen...not the Doctor Who part, I am a scy-fy fanatic, but the bonding with my brother. He is twelve years older, a whole family bigger, and a whole lot scarier than I am. But it gave me hope for a future relationship, however odd it may be. I felt love from my brother even though he didn't say it and I was too scared to try. I love my brother, he is one of my greatest examples. (him and my two oldest sisters, Kristy and Emily...and my mom...I have lots of good examples.) Anyway. Life is good, and filled with great mysteries. And my brother is a softer person than I thought. :)

Something Happier

Easter is coming, and that means delicious cadbury eggs, and eggs with ham in a cheese sauce over English muffins, and friends over for dinner. It is also the anniversary of the savior's resurrection.
School is starting, which means my brain can be entertained.
My husband is employed, which means we have an income.
My sister sold us a car, which means I can keep my job.
I have wonderful friends and family who like to spend time with me, and who are encouraging and comforting.
Books are lovely because they take me to new and exciting places.
My mother is wonderful, because she cares enough to help me, even when she is talking to her mommy.
My husband, because he is teaching me that it is okay to cry, and that everything works out according to God's plan.
My sister, sister-in-law, and friend for letting me cuddle their babies.
And Classes that keep me busy and excited for what is to come.

Ups and Downs

My life is a roller coaster. My emotions are up one day and down the next. I hold myself together just to fall apart the next day, or to ignore feelings and I hurt the people around me. I feel selfish, and immature. I feel like crying because of the lack of control, I must have control. I find different things set me off, food, homework, invitations to do things with friends. I am terrified of falling apart in front of anyone. If there is one thing that my father taught me it was that crying is showing weakness. It is never okay to cry, one must have no weaknesses. Everywhere I turn I find another weakness, another fear, another question about my worthiness to exist.
My life is not perfect, and sadly neither am I. I don't have all the answers, I wish I did. I wish I was as strong as I pretended to be....but then, you know what they say, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."
When I started this blog, I had hoped to follow the example of a wonderful sister-in-law and dedicate this blog to stories of my children's antics, I am so baby hungry that when I see a pregnant woman I have to hold back tears. It isn't as if I am infertile, no doctor has seen me, and we have only been trying for six months, I am simply impatient, but I resent every woman I see with a baby in their arms or stomach. When did life get to be so complicated, and so difficult to deal with? And when did I get so petty that I hold a grudge against a woman who is blessed enough to have a bundle of joy.
On the upside, I am finally off of the waiting list to see a counselor. Maybe with a trained professional's help I can fix myself, because, in the words of my wonderful mother, no one can fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, and you can't fix someone else, only yourself.
The world will never be a fair place, I can't change that, but I can change the way I look at it...I just don't know how to do that.....

Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be good enough. Or if I will ever be able to be what/who he wants me to be. It always seems like I should be able to, but it never seems like I am...

Baby Steps

So, now that I know that I want to be fixed, and Happy I have to figure out how to do it, this is what I have so far.
Step 1: call the counseling office on campus (check)
Conclusion: I am now on the waiting list, with no idea when they will call me in.
Step 2: Start Praying again, and Reading my scriptures. No one is happy with out God...even if they think they are.
Step 3:...this is where the trouble begins, I don't know where to go from step two. But once I figure it out I will let you know.

Closets and Time

So, I don't know who reads my blog, as far as I can tell it is a few family members and one or two close friends. That's fine. I also don't know who knows about what is going on in my life, or my mind...because I certainly don't. I visited me mom this weekend, and I had an outburst of issues, several of which I wish to take back. But my mom told me to put it my "closet" until I was ready and had the time to deal with it. I have been putting things in the "closet" for a little over two years now, maybe longer, and my "closet" is full. My "closet monster" is hurling all of my stored items at me because he wants some space to move around. It is time to sort and purge. I am on a college campus with the college insurance, and that doesn't cover much, so currently I am on a waiting list to talk to the counselors. So I have decided to be proactive while I wait, because people can't help those who don't want to change. I want to want to change. I want to feel like me instead of a walking shell. I have been shoving stuff in the "closet" for so long that I have started to shove myself in there with it. No wonder I keep having breakdowns. In order to get to any emotions I have to dig through the issues. So I want to be a person again. I want to feel at peace with myself. I want to feel at peace with my dead father. I started to forgive him a while ago, but I hit a snag. I was taught to hide things, but I was never taught how to let them go. I am angry, and jealous, and resentful. I am pissed off! and I am sad. I am stressed. Those are the first emotions to come out of the closet. It is time to sort, time to throw things away that don't make me happy. It is time to deal with all of the crap, and time to learn how to choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice, or so my wonderful mother has always told me. But before I can choose to be happy, I need to know why I have chosen to be angry and sad. It is time to get to know myself, and time to love myself. It is time to forgive, and trust. It is time to become a better me. It is time to want to be better and healthy. It is time to get to know my Heavenly Father again, and time to let the spirit work on my heart.

Joy and Happiness!

Steven and I have been looking for a new apartment for months. Our contract is up at the end of March and it was starting to worry me. But, the Lord let's things work out for the best. We now have a new apartment, we get to move in on V-day, and there is peace in my heart once again. I love it!

Life

Life works out in funny ways, and it never works out the way you plan. Two years ago I had my life planned, I was working, and living at home with my mom and dad. I fully intended to try to get along better with my father and get to know him. I was going to get married at twenty-three-ish, maybe go on a mission, start having kids at twenty-five.
Now, I am married--at nineteen--I am trying to get up the courage to write my dad's history, and trying not to regret never getting to know him. And trying to forgive him for dying. I am looking at everyone around me who is either pregnant, or a mom, or both, and I find myself green with envy. I am going to school and working, which is stressful and wonderful all at the same time.
I get to be near friends for part of the year, but not all of it, and I find that I don't like living far away form my mom.
My life is blessed, and the Lord has His ways of pushing you into things that you don't expect. But sometimes I wish I would get less unexpected things and more of the things I am prying for.
However, I learned long ago not to pray for patience, because He doesn't just hand that virtue out, He makes you work for it, and if you pray for it, you work for it even harder.

School

I am so excited for school, I have the opportunity to learn so much. I want to make sure that I take advantage of that. I get to learn about child development and parenting from a religious and secular stand point it is amazing to go to a school that believes that religion and education not only can be, but should be mixed. I love it, I love learning, and I love expanding my testimony, and I get to do both here.