Closets and Time

So, I don't know who reads my blog, as far as I can tell it is a few family members and one or two close friends. That's fine. I also don't know who knows about what is going on in my life, or my mind...because I certainly don't. I visited me mom this weekend, and I had an outburst of issues, several of which I wish to take back. But my mom told me to put it my "closet" until I was ready and had the time to deal with it. I have been putting things in the "closet" for a little over two years now, maybe longer, and my "closet" is full. My "closet monster" is hurling all of my stored items at me because he wants some space to move around. It is time to sort and purge. I am on a college campus with the college insurance, and that doesn't cover much, so currently I am on a waiting list to talk to the counselors. So I have decided to be proactive while I wait, because people can't help those who don't want to change. I want to want to change. I want to feel like me instead of a walking shell. I have been shoving stuff in the "closet" for so long that I have started to shove myself in there with it. No wonder I keep having breakdowns. In order to get to any emotions I have to dig through the issues. So I want to be a person again. I want to feel at peace with myself. I want to feel at peace with my dead father. I started to forgive him a while ago, but I hit a snag. I was taught to hide things, but I was never taught how to let them go. I am angry, and jealous, and resentful. I am pissed off! and I am sad. I am stressed. Those are the first emotions to come out of the closet. It is time to sort, time to throw things away that don't make me happy. It is time to deal with all of the crap, and time to learn how to choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice, or so my wonderful mother has always told me. But before I can choose to be happy, I need to know why I have chosen to be angry and sad. It is time to get to know myself, and time to love myself. It is time to forgive, and trust. It is time to become a better me. It is time to want to be better and healthy. It is time to get to know my Heavenly Father again, and time to let the spirit work on my heart.