Ups and Downs

My life is a roller coaster. My emotions are up one day and down the next. I hold myself together just to fall apart the next day, or to ignore feelings and I hurt the people around me. I feel selfish, and immature. I feel like crying because of the lack of control, I must have control. I find different things set me off, food, homework, invitations to do things with friends. I am terrified of falling apart in front of anyone. If there is one thing that my father taught me it was that crying is showing weakness. It is never okay to cry, one must have no weaknesses. Everywhere I turn I find another weakness, another fear, another question about my worthiness to exist.
My life is not perfect, and sadly neither am I. I don't have all the answers, I wish I did. I wish I was as strong as I pretended to be....but then, you know what they say, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."
When I started this blog, I had hoped to follow the example of a wonderful sister-in-law and dedicate this blog to stories of my children's antics, I am so baby hungry that when I see a pregnant woman I have to hold back tears. It isn't as if I am infertile, no doctor has seen me, and we have only been trying for six months, I am simply impatient, but I resent every woman I see with a baby in their arms or stomach. When did life get to be so complicated, and so difficult to deal with? And when did I get so petty that I hold a grudge against a woman who is blessed enough to have a bundle of joy.
On the upside, I am finally off of the waiting list to see a counselor. Maybe with a trained professional's help I can fix myself, because, in the words of my wonderful mother, no one can fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, and you can't fix someone else, only yourself.
The world will never be a fair place, I can't change that, but I can change the way I look at it...I just don't know how to do that.....