Dear Dad

Dear Daddy,
Father's Day is this Sunday, it is a day that I have dreaded since 2009, I wonder why. It is a day to celebrate the fathers of the world and it breaks my heart every year. Every year they sing the song "O, My Father" in sacrament meeting. I do wish they would choose another, I always end in tears.
Father's Day is difficult as well because I still don't know where I stand with you. I don't know how I feel about you, bout your leaving, and aboutnyour actions while you were here. For the past two years I have been trying to decide where we were in our relationship. Your crabby teenage daughter, who fought so well with her cranky middle aged father. I know that it is common for parents and children to fight, especially when it comes to parents and teenagers. But I truly wish that I had spent more time listening and less time yelling and being sarcastic. I have spent two years being angry because you died just when I had decided I might want to get to known you better. It truly angered me. I know that you had no real control over when you died, but you did and it felt like a betrayal. And instead of coping witht the loss I have denied it and avoided it. (I even tried to go to a counselor once, but she wanted to put me on meds before she even knew what the problem was. And that bothered me, so I haven't gone back.)
So I guess that is is my way of getting things off of my chest. I don't know that either one of us needs to apologize, but I need to forgive. I have spent the last 2+ years trying to figure out how. It is hard to forgive someone that you don't feel you have a of gaining closure with. I even forgave Josh without talking to him first. And I think eventually he even forgave me. I just don't know how to forgive you.
I felt like your scapegoat for 18 years. If ever anything happened it was my fault, usually because I was the loudest. I felt like you spoiled Lindsay and punished me. We couldn't even sit next to each other in church without it breaking into a fight. I remember the day that I found mom in the kitchen because you yelled at me, I tried to make her feel better by telling her that I hadn't even noticed that you had raised your voice because you always talked to me that way...it didn't make her feel better. I can't even put into words how badly our encounters hurt me through the years. And now I just want to find a way to let it go, move on, and forgive. However, that is easier said than done.
I also need to apologize for the lack of respect that I showed you. I never tried to respect you, I took on only too willingly the mantle of obnoxious daughter. I am sorry that I didn't put in a greater effort to get to know you on your grounds, and I wish that you had tried to get to know me better on my mine. I always felt condemned because I liked to write and not do math. I felt that you weren't proud of me because I wasn't smart enough. And it hurt, it still does. There are years of hurt and pain to over come and I don't even have you here to talk to. I am at an end of ideas. I don't know how to forgive. And all I feel is this overwhelming hurt, my heart is broken. I even read your journal once to find out what you thought on the day I was born. I got a sentence, and then it was on to what happened the rest of the day. I never felt important in your eyes so I tried my darndest to just be noticed. All I wanted was for you to see me, and I don't feel like you ever did...
I guess I don't really have much else to say. Gramms wants me to write your history, and I am terrified that I will taint it with my "dark glasses". I wish I had known you better.
Lex