ABOUT CROWS by John Ciardi The old crow is getting slow; the young crow is not. Of what the young crow does not know, the old crow knows a lot. At knowing things, the old crow is still the young crow’s master. What does the old crow not know? How to go faster. The young crow flies above, below, and rings around the slow old crow. What does the fast young crow not know? WHERE TO GO.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Maybe we all need a little crow!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Dear Dad
Dear Daddy,
Father's Day is this Sunday, it is a day that I have dreaded since 2009, I wonder why. It is a day to celebrate the fathers of the world and it breaks my heart every year. Every year they sing the song "O, My Father" in sacrament meeting. I do wish they would choose another, I always end in tears.
Father's Day is difficult as well because I still don't know where I stand with you. I don't know how I feel about you, bout your leaving, and aboutnyour actions while you were here. For the past two years I have been trying to decide where we were in our relationship. Your crabby teenage daughter, who fought so well with her cranky middle aged father. I know that it is common for parents and children to fight, especially when it comes to parents and teenagers. But I truly wish that I had spent more time listening and less time yelling and being sarcastic. I have spent two years being angry because you died just when I had decided I might want to get to known you better. It truly angered me. I know that you had no real control over when you died, but you did and it felt like a betrayal. And instead of coping witht the loss I have denied it and avoided it. (I even tried to go to a counselor once, but she wanted to put me on meds before she even knew what the problem was. And that bothered me, so I haven't gone back.)
So I guess that is is my way of getting things off of my chest. I don't know that either one of us needs to apologize, but I need to forgive. I have spent the last 2+ years trying to figure out how. It is hard to forgive someone that you don't feel you have a of gaining closure with. I even forgave Josh without talking to him first. And I think eventually he even forgave me. I just don't know how to forgive you.
I felt like your scapegoat for 18 years. If ever anything happened it was my fault, usually because I was the loudest. I felt like you spoiled Lindsay and punished me. We couldn't even sit next to each other in church without it breaking into a fight. I remember the day that I found mom in the kitchen because you yelled at me, I tried to make her feel better by telling her that I hadn't even noticed that you had raised your voice because you always talked to me that way...it didn't make her feel better. I can't even put into words how badly our encounters hurt me through the years. And now I just want to find a way to let it go, move on, and forgive. However, that is easier said than done.
I also need to apologize for the lack of respect that I showed you. I never tried to respect you, I took on only too willingly the mantle of obnoxious daughter. I am sorry that I didn't put in a greater effort to get to know you on your grounds, and I wish that you had tried to get to know me better on my mine. I always felt condemned because I liked to write and not do math. I felt that you weren't proud of me because I wasn't smart enough. And it hurt, it still does. There are years of hurt and pain to over come and I don't even have you here to talk to. I am at an end of ideas. I don't know how to forgive. And all I feel is this overwhelming hurt, my heart is broken. I even read your journal once to find out what you thought on the day I was born. I got a sentence, and then it was on to what happened the rest of the day. I never felt important in your eyes so I tried my darndest to just be noticed. All I wanted was for you to see me, and I don't feel like you ever did...
I guess I don't really have much else to say. Gramms wants me to write your history, and I am terrified that I will taint it with my "dark glasses". I wish I had known you better.
Lex
Father's Day is this Sunday, it is a day that I have dreaded since 2009, I wonder why. It is a day to celebrate the fathers of the world and it breaks my heart every year. Every year they sing the song "O, My Father" in sacrament meeting. I do wish they would choose another, I always end in tears.
Father's Day is difficult as well because I still don't know where I stand with you. I don't know how I feel about you, bout your leaving, and aboutnyour actions while you were here. For the past two years I have been trying to decide where we were in our relationship. Your crabby teenage daughter, who fought so well with her cranky middle aged father. I know that it is common for parents and children to fight, especially when it comes to parents and teenagers. But I truly wish that I had spent more time listening and less time yelling and being sarcastic. I have spent two years being angry because you died just when I had decided I might want to get to known you better. It truly angered me. I know that you had no real control over when you died, but you did and it felt like a betrayal. And instead of coping witht the loss I have denied it and avoided it. (I even tried to go to a counselor once, but she wanted to put me on meds before she even knew what the problem was. And that bothered me, so I haven't gone back.)
So I guess that is is my way of getting things off of my chest. I don't know that either one of us needs to apologize, but I need to forgive. I have spent the last 2+ years trying to figure out how. It is hard to forgive someone that you don't feel you have a of gaining closure with. I even forgave Josh without talking to him first. And I think eventually he even forgave me. I just don't know how to forgive you.
I felt like your scapegoat for 18 years. If ever anything happened it was my fault, usually because I was the loudest. I felt like you spoiled Lindsay and punished me. We couldn't even sit next to each other in church without it breaking into a fight. I remember the day that I found mom in the kitchen because you yelled at me, I tried to make her feel better by telling her that I hadn't even noticed that you had raised your voice because you always talked to me that way...it didn't make her feel better. I can't even put into words how badly our encounters hurt me through the years. And now I just want to find a way to let it go, move on, and forgive. However, that is easier said than done.
I also need to apologize for the lack of respect that I showed you. I never tried to respect you, I took on only too willingly the mantle of obnoxious daughter. I am sorry that I didn't put in a greater effort to get to know you on your grounds, and I wish that you had tried to get to know me better on my mine. I always felt condemned because I liked to write and not do math. I felt that you weren't proud of me because I wasn't smart enough. And it hurt, it still does. There are years of hurt and pain to over come and I don't even have you here to talk to. I am at an end of ideas. I don't know how to forgive. And all I feel is this overwhelming hurt, my heart is broken. I even read your journal once to find out what you thought on the day I was born. I got a sentence, and then it was on to what happened the rest of the day. I never felt important in your eyes so I tried my darndest to just be noticed. All I wanted was for you to see me, and I don't feel like you ever did...
I guess I don't really have much else to say. Gramms wants me to write your history, and I am terrified that I will taint it with my "dark glasses". I wish I had known you better.
Lex
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Life and plot lines
So my birthday is coming up, and I got most of my birthday presents months ago. I can't believe I am going to be 21. I finally get a sideways drivers license! Exciting, I know. I say most of my presents because I caught Steven with his debit card out the other day. It sparked my curiosity, but he wouldn't tell me what he bought. And he kept avoiding, he even changed passwords on the bank account so that I couldn't see what he bought. I, being who I am, took that as a challenge. And to make a long story short, I connived and sneaked, and I am getting an i-pad for my birthday!!!! For my birthday, one of my wonderful friends (Jennie) planned a movie night, at the drive-in. There is something so fun about sitting outside and watching super-sized movies. X-men First Class is a good movie, by the way, lots of explosions and violence. Not sure why that appeals to me. Steven and I skipped the second movie Fast 5 doesn't appeal to me to greatly. And I have been able to watch Jane Eyre, I love it!!!! There is joy in cheesy romances. I went to the library and got books (what else do you get at the library) and I have filled my mind with more cheesy romances. My mind is swirling with plot lines, and Timelords (I have been watching a lot Doctor Who lately). But oh, what a wonderful weekend. I feel good, and happy, it has been a while since I felt so good...
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