Something Happier

Easter is coming, and that means delicious cadbury eggs, and eggs with ham in a cheese sauce over English muffins, and friends over for dinner. It is also the anniversary of the savior's resurrection.
School is starting, which means my brain can be entertained.
My husband is employed, which means we have an income.
My sister sold us a car, which means I can keep my job.
I have wonderful friends and family who like to spend time with me, and who are encouraging and comforting.
Books are lovely because they take me to new and exciting places.
My mother is wonderful, because she cares enough to help me, even when she is talking to her mommy.
My husband, because he is teaching me that it is okay to cry, and that everything works out according to God's plan.
My sister, sister-in-law, and friend for letting me cuddle their babies.
And Classes that keep me busy and excited for what is to come.

Ups and Downs

My life is a roller coaster. My emotions are up one day and down the next. I hold myself together just to fall apart the next day, or to ignore feelings and I hurt the people around me. I feel selfish, and immature. I feel like crying because of the lack of control, I must have control. I find different things set me off, food, homework, invitations to do things with friends. I am terrified of falling apart in front of anyone. If there is one thing that my father taught me it was that crying is showing weakness. It is never okay to cry, one must have no weaknesses. Everywhere I turn I find another weakness, another fear, another question about my worthiness to exist.
My life is not perfect, and sadly neither am I. I don't have all the answers, I wish I did. I wish I was as strong as I pretended to be....but then, you know what they say, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."
When I started this blog, I had hoped to follow the example of a wonderful sister-in-law and dedicate this blog to stories of my children's antics, I am so baby hungry that when I see a pregnant woman I have to hold back tears. It isn't as if I am infertile, no doctor has seen me, and we have only been trying for six months, I am simply impatient, but I resent every woman I see with a baby in their arms or stomach. When did life get to be so complicated, and so difficult to deal with? And when did I get so petty that I hold a grudge against a woman who is blessed enough to have a bundle of joy.
On the upside, I am finally off of the waiting list to see a counselor. Maybe with a trained professional's help I can fix myself, because, in the words of my wonderful mother, no one can fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, and you can't fix someone else, only yourself.
The world will never be a fair place, I can't change that, but I can change the way I look at it...I just don't know how to do that.....

Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be good enough. Or if I will ever be able to be what/who he wants me to be. It always seems like I should be able to, but it never seems like I am...