Something Happier

Easter is coming, and that means delicious cadbury eggs, and eggs with ham in a cheese sauce over English muffins, and friends over for dinner. It is also the anniversary of the savior's resurrection.
School is starting, which means my brain can be entertained.
My husband is employed, which means we have an income.
My sister sold us a car, which means I can keep my job.
I have wonderful friends and family who like to spend time with me, and who are encouraging and comforting.
Books are lovely because they take me to new and exciting places.
My mother is wonderful, because she cares enough to help me, even when she is talking to her mommy.
My husband, because he is teaching me that it is okay to cry, and that everything works out according to God's plan.
My sister, sister-in-law, and friend for letting me cuddle their babies.
And Classes that keep me busy and excited for what is to come.

Ups and Downs

My life is a roller coaster. My emotions are up one day and down the next. I hold myself together just to fall apart the next day, or to ignore feelings and I hurt the people around me. I feel selfish, and immature. I feel like crying because of the lack of control, I must have control. I find different things set me off, food, homework, invitations to do things with friends. I am terrified of falling apart in front of anyone. If there is one thing that my father taught me it was that crying is showing weakness. It is never okay to cry, one must have no weaknesses. Everywhere I turn I find another weakness, another fear, another question about my worthiness to exist.
My life is not perfect, and sadly neither am I. I don't have all the answers, I wish I did. I wish I was as strong as I pretended to be....but then, you know what they say, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."
When I started this blog, I had hoped to follow the example of a wonderful sister-in-law and dedicate this blog to stories of my children's antics, I am so baby hungry that when I see a pregnant woman I have to hold back tears. It isn't as if I am infertile, no doctor has seen me, and we have only been trying for six months, I am simply impatient, but I resent every woman I see with a baby in their arms or stomach. When did life get to be so complicated, and so difficult to deal with? And when did I get so petty that I hold a grudge against a woman who is blessed enough to have a bundle of joy.
On the upside, I am finally off of the waiting list to see a counselor. Maybe with a trained professional's help I can fix myself, because, in the words of my wonderful mother, no one can fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, and you can't fix someone else, only yourself.
The world will never be a fair place, I can't change that, but I can change the way I look at it...I just don't know how to do that.....

Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be good enough. Or if I will ever be able to be what/who he wants me to be. It always seems like I should be able to, but it never seems like I am...

Baby Steps

So, now that I know that I want to be fixed, and Happy I have to figure out how to do it, this is what I have so far.
Step 1: call the counseling office on campus (check)
Conclusion: I am now on the waiting list, with no idea when they will call me in.
Step 2: Start Praying again, and Reading my scriptures. No one is happy with out God...even if they think they are.
Step 3:...this is where the trouble begins, I don't know where to go from step two. But once I figure it out I will let you know.

Closets and Time

So, I don't know who reads my blog, as far as I can tell it is a few family members and one or two close friends. That's fine. I also don't know who knows about what is going on in my life, or my mind...because I certainly don't. I visited me mom this weekend, and I had an outburst of issues, several of which I wish to take back. But my mom told me to put it my "closet" until I was ready and had the time to deal with it. I have been putting things in the "closet" for a little over two years now, maybe longer, and my "closet" is full. My "closet monster" is hurling all of my stored items at me because he wants some space to move around. It is time to sort and purge. I am on a college campus with the college insurance, and that doesn't cover much, so currently I am on a waiting list to talk to the counselors. So I have decided to be proactive while I wait, because people can't help those who don't want to change. I want to want to change. I want to feel like me instead of a walking shell. I have been shoving stuff in the "closet" for so long that I have started to shove myself in there with it. No wonder I keep having breakdowns. In order to get to any emotions I have to dig through the issues. So I want to be a person again. I want to feel at peace with myself. I want to feel at peace with my dead father. I started to forgive him a while ago, but I hit a snag. I was taught to hide things, but I was never taught how to let them go. I am angry, and jealous, and resentful. I am pissed off! and I am sad. I am stressed. Those are the first emotions to come out of the closet. It is time to sort, time to throw things away that don't make me happy. It is time to deal with all of the crap, and time to learn how to choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice, or so my wonderful mother has always told me. But before I can choose to be happy, I need to know why I have chosen to be angry and sad. It is time to get to know myself, and time to love myself. It is time to forgive, and trust. It is time to become a better me. It is time to want to be better and healthy. It is time to get to know my Heavenly Father again, and time to let the spirit work on my heart.

Joy and Happiness!

Steven and I have been looking for a new apartment for months. Our contract is up at the end of March and it was starting to worry me. But, the Lord let's things work out for the best. We now have a new apartment, we get to move in on V-day, and there is peace in my heart once again. I love it!

Life

Life works out in funny ways, and it never works out the way you plan. Two years ago I had my life planned, I was working, and living at home with my mom and dad. I fully intended to try to get along better with my father and get to know him. I was going to get married at twenty-three-ish, maybe go on a mission, start having kids at twenty-five.
Now, I am married--at nineteen--I am trying to get up the courage to write my dad's history, and trying not to regret never getting to know him. And trying to forgive him for dying. I am looking at everyone around me who is either pregnant, or a mom, or both, and I find myself green with envy. I am going to school and working, which is stressful and wonderful all at the same time.
I get to be near friends for part of the year, but not all of it, and I find that I don't like living far away form my mom.
My life is blessed, and the Lord has His ways of pushing you into things that you don't expect. But sometimes I wish I would get less unexpected things and more of the things I am prying for.
However, I learned long ago not to pray for patience, because He doesn't just hand that virtue out, He makes you work for it, and if you pray for it, you work for it even harder.